


Void heart

by 1EggLaugh2, Orchidgardens



Category: Fate/stay night (Visual Novel), Fate/stay night - All Media Types
Genre: All tagged romance is fine but be wary of anything else resembling romance, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Complicated Relationships, Emotional Manipulation, Everyone needs serious help, F/F, Kotomine Kirei's A+ Parenting, MAJOR canon divergence seriously, Mental Health Issues, Multiple Perspectives, Multiple Protagonists, Rin is bi, Role Swap, Seriously painful relationships (tagged are fine but be wary of anything else), Shirou looks great in Rin's outfit, Sibling issues, Stop reading if you feel uncomfortable your mental health is more important, The authors speak different dialects of english so it'll switch between them, Unreliable Narrator, We can and will demonize Kirei fuck that guy, We have god complexes, mental breakdowns, we mention shinji like once, weekly updates until our backlog runs out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:40:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27909124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1EggLaugh2/pseuds/1EggLaugh2, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orchidgardens/pseuds/Orchidgardens
Summary: [Fate/Stay Night role swap AU in which Shirou is raised by Kirei and Rin lives with Taiga. Shirou and Rin are both main characters (Although their goals and alignments clash) and the story is told from multiple perspectives, the characters each having their own distinct writing style for their perspective.]In which Rin is trying very hard to get her life together, keep her sister safe, and completely ignore her father's dying words. This does not happen.//In which Shirou attempts to follow the path Kirei put him on, but finds that doing so is far more troublesome than he initially thought...
Relationships: Artoria Pendragon Alter | Saber & Emiya Shirou, Tohsaka Rin/Artoria Pendragon Alter | Saber
Comments: 9
Kudos: 33





	1. Empty rejoicement

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR warning for horrible parenting, tense familial relationships, tense relationships in general, abuse (Mental abuse/manipulation especially but some chapters do contain physical abuse), and very detailed breakdowns.  
> If at any point in time this story brings you too much discomfort, we recommend you stop reading. Your mental health is more important than a fanfiction on the internet.

There was only fire.

At one point there were people; they were alive, smiling, living.

As the fire continued to consume what was left of the once cold town into its ever growing maw, one lone figure separated from the charred remains of what had once been a home with what must have been a happy family.

Even as clouds filled the vast red sky, there seemed to be no reversal, no awakening - just the slight sound of an unfortunate boy collapsing onto the uneven ground. He felt that, as seemingly the only one to survive, it was his duty to fight for every breath, no matter how much pain it sent through his lungs. His eyesight was foggy with blood, but…

Perhaps there was someone.

Someone who tried to dig him out as rubble collapsed onto his dying body.

Yet, what did it matter, anyway?

There was nothing to see - nothing but a battlefield of fire and destruction stretching out before him endlessly. Such an absolute hellscape that even a child could understand it. Regardless of how much progress that person made, he was definitely going to die. That fact remained in his mind. The fact that he was alive was a miracle by itself, so expecting the second miracle of being saved was far too selfish.

He wanted to say it was painful. Perhaps for himself, or perhaps for those who were unable to do so. But such a thing was impossible. There was no energy left in him.

His world seemed far. So, so far. And yet, he continued to remain “alive.”

A burning feeling like lava, inside and out. All around himself, all within himself, as he found it impossible to tell if his eyes were open or closed.

A darkness that both did and did not exist. Within it, he felt as if he was meant to be seeing something, but all he could process were odd bouts of pain, and something very, very, loud. Like screams through the television, filtered by static. He found he could move again, perhaps breathe, but it didn’t feel as if he was taking in air. He was there, but was he present?

Even as the sensation left him, even as his faraway world came back into view, he still couldn’t shake his unyielding mystification with his own existence.

It took him a while to realize. His eyes were open. Rain had come, pattering onto the scenery in a manner far too gentle to do justice to the raging flames’ carnage, far too gentle to comfort the dying souls, far too gentle to stop the collapse of life that was clear to see all around, far, far, too gentle.

...The lightly drizzled scenery began to pass. Someone else was surely there. Otherwise, it’d be impossible for his unmoving body to leave.

If he was able to leave, then he was alive. But he had surely died that day.

Perhaps, for his body to continue to remain alive, that which once composed his heart - the family he may have so cherished, the name he once had, the joyous children who once surrounded him - all of them could not be allowed to remain.

...Yes, he shouldn’t have remained. He did not have the right to. And yet, he did. So, from the scraps of metal, a new sword had to be forged.

To create a new purpose, the old one needed to be discarded.

* * *

It seemed as if he had been walking for a long time. The way his legs were shaking, he supposed he should’ve felt pain, but it only registered as a dull, tingling ache.

He looked up at the sky. A normal, blue sky, illuminated by a white sun, made visible by the parting clouds.

His gaze travelled a little lower and then he was met with the sight of billowing navy robes, and the bearer of them - a looming figure of a man with a difficult to read yet somehow untrustworthy expression. Through dark, narrow eyes, the man stared down at him, their eyes meeting. His face did not light up as he smiled.

All he could see in the man’s eyes was his own reflection. Emptiness reflected emptiness. Like a mirror, the boy who now only knew himself as Shirou was unable to see anything within this man but himself.

There were many questions he could have, or should have, asked. Yet, he only sought to confirm what he already knew.

“Did I die?”

The man’s smile widened, although no life was visible in his eyes. His corpse-like grin made it a surprise that his face could even move at all.

“Perhaps. What do you think, boy?”

The boy said nothing, merely staring, unblinking.

“Hm.” The strange man merely acknowledged his response, or lack thereof.

“How did I get here?”

The man’s eyes narrowed, as if in amusement. “You mean to say you have no recollection of what occurred on that day?”

The boy’s silence was all the confirmation he needed.

“I see. You were heavily injured, so you had to be taken to a hospital. It was there that I found you. How curious it is that you don’t remember, considering how quick you were to your feet…”

“Why you? Are we related? I hope not. You look really irresponsible.”

The man came to a stop, causing the boy to bump into him.

“And this is coming from a child who could not reduce the number of victims even by one?”

The boy glared at him, but did nothing to deny the man’s claims. What could he possibly say to deny a reality he remembered so clearly?

“I have no need for a weak apprentice.” With those words, the strange man turned back around and continued walking up the path. For some reason, the boy found himself following, jogging to keep up with the man’s long steps.

“Apprentice?”

“Yes.” The man spread his arms out in a mockery of reverence, his coat flaring out behind him. “You desired to become my apprentice.” He gave the boy a sidelong glance. “Or, don’t tell me, you can’t recall even that, despite it being so important to you? You told me it was your goal- your wish- for the future.”

The boy’s resolve wasn’t shaken, and his glare did not subside. “I...don’t remember that. Why would I want to spend time with someone like you?”

“That is not my place to say.” The man gave a shrug. “You are the one who agreed to me becoming your legal guardian, after all. And what does it matter if you can’t remember? Your memory of everything up until now seems to have vanished. You don’t know what’s real and what isn’t.”

“...Who are you?” It was all the boy could do to ask that question.

The man stopped again, but this time with an air of finality. It appeared they’d reached their destination, there at the top of that hill. In front of them, a cobblestone path led to a church surrounded by seemingly wilting bushes.

“Hm, it appears you really can’t recall anything, can you?”  
His concern sounded disingenuous, but the boy had no basis on which to doubt it.

With one hand behind his back, the man beckoned the boy. It was time for him to fulfill his new purpose.

“I am Kotomine Kirei, the priest of this church.”

As the wind blew, his cassock remained still. It was almost as if he didn’t belong there, in that world.

“Rejoice, boy, for your wish will soon come true.”


	2. And with the wind came the sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rin enjoys about a third of her day, and everything is absolutely fine and none of her relationships are hanging by a thread. Definitely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little thing before we start this chapter: Absolutely none of the narrators you'll be hearing from are reliable. It's already in the tags, but just to be clear, these people have issues and there's going to be some major discrepancies regarding how they're portrayed between perspectives.  
> Rin's perspectives are quick and frantic, so make sure to prepare yourself for that!

...She feels someone shaking her collapsed body by the shoulders.

_ “Nee-san!” _

The shaking is fast and frantic. Perhaps it’s best to end it.

Still, it's difficult for her to speak, so she opens one eye to show that she’s awake.

In her vision, a girl with black - no, purple hair...with eyes to match. 

“Nee-san, are you alright? It looked like you were having another nightmare…” The girl sighs. “You really shouldn’t be sleeping outside like this, Nee-san. You’ll catch a cold, and I’ll be the one making the hot rice pudding for you to recover.”

Of course, rice pudding isn’t the ideal meal for recovery on account of being a dessert, but Sakura doesn’t seem to care. It somehow managed to work out fine before, too, so there can be no argument to her methods, even if they are unorthodox.

‘Nee-san,’ or rather, Rin, rises from her slumber, leaving behind a pillow with still-drying tears.

“Hm...I guess it was a bit irresponsible of me to sleep outside like that, but that’s just how it works when you’re tired. It’s not as if I was on the flo-”

Her gaze turns towards a futon laid out on the ground, with an addition she doesn’t recall having been there before.

“Oh, Sakura, did you put a blanket over me while I was sleeping?”

“? No, I don’t think we own any blankets that look like that…maybe it’s from Taiga’s hoar-I mean, collection?” 

“...How’d she get it out then? You know, without dying? I was under the impression that as soon as you open the door to the shed you get crushed under piles of her junk.”

Sakura shrugs. “If anyone were to defy logic like that, it would probably be Taiga.”

“That’s fair, but I’m pretty sure the noise would’ve woken me up...well, whatever, I’ll just ask her about it later…”

Picking up the blanket and pillow, Rin makes an attempt to leave, only to be immediately interrupted by a hard grip on her arm.    
  
“Nee-san, are you going to leave without first eating the  _ wonderful breakfast I just prepared for you?  _ After I worked so hard all alone to make it just for you?  _ Are you?” _

Rin feels oddly cornered. The smile Sakura directs at her is meek, and yet the aura around it is immensely powerful and unyielding.

“Uh...I’ll...I’ll eat it first, Sakura.”   
  
In an instant, the immense pressure Rin felt about her dissipated, culminating in a smile from her sister that can be described best as flowery.

“That’s great! Then, let me just take these,” the blanket and pillow are practically snatched out of Rin’s arms, “and I’ll drag Taiga over, okay?” 

Sakura walks away, a slight skip in her step. 

Rin’s muscles release tension she didn’t realise was there. Odd. Why does she always feel like this around Sakura? Maybe she’s not doing a good enough job of being a big sister. Nothing  _ bad  _ has happened to Sakura in a while, but even so, just that one thing -    
  
...It’s better not to think about it right now. It'll only become harder to face her again.

Rin approaches the Emiya residence, although the person it was named for is not currently present. The sky is such a bright blue that Rin can’t help but feel a little grumpier, though she’s not exactly sure about the cause for her mood. It’s chilly, and she wraps her arms around herself, already kind of missing the blanket. 

Inside, it’s much warmer, possibly in part due to the Tige-the woman zooming around the kitchen at incredibly high speeds. Sakura is already seated at the table, smiling disrespectfully with a smile that is not a smile plastered across her face.

**“WAAAA!! SAKURAA!! YOU CAN’T JUST LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT WHEN THERE’S SUCH DELICIOUS FOOD RIGHT THERE!!! HOW DARE YOU BULLY YOUR TEACHER LIKE THIS!!”** **  
**   
In between positions, Taiga can be seen taking portions of her food and immediately rushing to the nearest wall. It’s not very efficient, but she nods to herself in enjoyment every time.

Rin properly enters the kitchen, without a change of expression. Just another regular day in Fuyuki.

“What’d you make? I can’t really see it over, uh,  _ that.” _

Sakura’s expression changes to something a little more welcoming as she presses her palms together. 

“Today’s menu is salmon and mushroom butter foil wrap!”

Sakura moves it over (away from Taiga’s current range) for Rin to see. The rich aroma hits her first, salty and earthy, the food looking good enough to be made by a professional. 

“Oh, it looks delicious, Sakura.” Rin feels compelled to pet her sister’s head. “It’s a bit heavy for breakfast, but-”

“Ah… You...won’t eat it, then? I worked so hard, but...I’m really sorry I didn’t make something you’d like. I - should’ve realised.” Sakura lowers her head, making it so that Rin’s hand is no longer petting it. Her bangs hide her expression.

“N-NO, it’s perfect, I’m sorry! I’m glad you made something so big for me, so -”   
Rin can’t find the words to finish her sentence with, so she holds Sakura close. Sakura doesn’t react. _  
  
_

In a last ditch effort that isn’t desperate at all, Rin snatches up her chopsticks, tears a large chunk from the salmon, and shoves it in her mouth. Her initial reaction of internally shouting about how hot it is gets drowned out by the explosion of flavour across her (numb) tongue. The texture is delicate, making it go down easily, and the taste of the salmon blends perfectly with the taste of the mushroom, enhanced by the creamy butter and onions. This is contrasted perfectly by the hint of sweetness from the sake, creating a delectable blend of vivid saltiness and sweetness. It tastes of warm nights spent with your family.

“...It’s really good.”

Rin’s expression is one of surprise and amazement. Sakura must’ve put all her heart into this.

Sakura’s smile is like a flower blooming. Rin wipes some imaginary sweat from her brow. Crisis averted. But it makes her feel a tad guilty to think of the situation surrounding her younger sister as a ‘crisis’.

Rin feels something brush against her arm, and looking behind her, it’s Taiga, covered in leaves and branches for some reason, pawing at the food.

“Taiga, where exactly did you...when...why are you covered in branches? Did you get stuck in a tree? Again?”

“Absolutely not! The tree got stuck in me this time…”

Taiga makes an exasperated movement with her shoulders. 

Sakura smiles sheepishly. “Ah, that must’ve been an unpleasant experience. I feel bad for the tree.”

Taiga nods and continues as usual, until suddenly, in a moment of realization -    
  
**“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU FEEL BAD FOR THE TREE?!”**

Rin enjoys another mouthful. “Really, this is great, Sakura. You’ve outdone yourself!”

“Really? That means a lot, since your cooking is also really good!” The small whisper under her breath goes unheard: “And since you said it would be too heavy…”

Rin pets Sakura gently on the head. “Really. I mean it. Your sister is just a big tsundere, okay?”

  
**“WHY ARE YOU ALL PRETENDING I’M NOT HERE?!”**

* * *

The rest of the day proceeds without incident.  _ He  _ didn’t show up at school, surprisingly, so that was a plus. It isn’t necessarily that she has a grudge against him (In actuality, if he were the type of person to keep debts she’d be beyond bankrupt with him), it was just that he is...not someone she can process entirely as a person. Honestly, she’s not sure she  _ wants  _ to process him as a person. The thought of a person like him existing fills her with a sense of dread, perhaps to the same degree that he himself does.

After walking Sakura back home, she takes a moment to think of anything else she’d like to do before the night ends.

Incidentally, there is. She’s been feeling a bit under pressure lately, so she decides to take a walk around the shopping district to relieve herself of it.   
  
There’s nothing she wants to buy, necessarily, but it’s nice to just pass through. It’s an energetic and familiar place, allowing her to comfortably walk in and around stores aimlessly.

However, on this particular night, there appears to be an obstruction.

It seems like an annoyingly loud cluster of people at first, perhaps partygoers or depressed adults drinking their problems away, but then Rin’s eyes are drawn to the person in the very center. Limbs and torsos obstruct her vision, but she catches glimpses of golden hair and eyes, so captivating that Rin can feel a shiver go down her spine even from this distance.

Rin, curious, walks into the crowd. She shoves past people until she’s finally able to get a good look at the eye of the storm.

It is a girl, but call her one would be inaccurate. The noble way she lifts her chin, the way her flaxen hair tied into a bun at the back of her head catches the light of the buildings, the way her dress as dark as night flows around her - they are all that of a proud monarch who overlooks her people from the very top. Her face is set in a frown, an inexplicably gorgeous one despite its sternness; or rather,  _ because  _ of it. She leaves no room in her stance for anyone but herself - it is not at all rigid - fluid, rather - yet she is like the ocean waves, those which sweep up everyone around her, but cannot be swept up in turn. Her eyes, containing sharp pupils and a piercing gaze to match, glow gently but firmly in the dimmed lighting, shining with a brilliance unmatched by any other. This girl - this woman - truly, her beauty is far too great for her to be of this world.

And of this world she certainly is not - there is a sense of power around her that far surpasses what any human should be capable of. Then, if the timeframe matches correctly, this woman is - 

“A Heroic Spirit…”

Rin’s words are barely audible, yet they contain a great sense of surprise and amazement.

The blonde woman shifts her gaze and looks right at Rin. It is as though everyone except for the two of them disappears. A sort of vague understanding is exchanged.

The woman takes a few steps directly in Rin’s direction, the language of her movements indicating that there is nothing else of interest here.

With a wave of her hand, the once impossibly large crowd parts, and Rin finds herself unable to move as she can only stare in amazement.

“You will come with me.”   
  
It is not a question, but an order. 

As the woman begins to walk, Rin finds that her legs are moving as if on their own, following behind with no input on her part. She cannot control her movements, as she has been swept up by this ocean of a woman.

As they walk, it’s as if every voice around them has been completely drowned out. 

Past the shopping district, past the old Matou residence, and onto the Big Bridge overlooking the Mion river.

Stopping their journey in the middle, the mysterious woman turns to Rin once more.

“You shall refer to me as Saber. I have taken notice of a strength about you, fair maiden. That is why I have brought you here. Now-”   
  
She intensifies her gaze.   
  
“Give me your name.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact about this fic in general: There wasn't a tag for Saber alter/Rin. Orchid had to make one. The tag genuinely did not exist.
> 
> Both fic authors actually have siblings.  
> We promise there's a very good reason for Taiga being referred to by just her first name. We can't tell it to you directly right now, but we will say it's possible to infer with just this chapter.  
> Oh, and we were sharing the same brain cell when describing Saber. No comment on how that happened other than hnhnhnhnhnngnhngnn wom an ,, ,, , pre t t y, , ,, , ,  
> Next chapter drops next Saturday! We're all just going to ignore how the previous chapter was posted on Sunday morning. This fic updates Saturdays, we just got a teensy bit carried away last week.


	3. Then the sick man cried that he was healthy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a contract is established and the game begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might wanna grab some water before this one.  
> Oh and just a heads up, this chapter sorta weaves through both Shirou and Saber's perspectives because it just works.   
> Welcome to a time a couple days before the previous chapter. Regardless of how your stay goes, we hope you get something out of it.

The day only really ‘began’ at that moment. Everything before that - waking up, cooking breakfast, wandering the church grounds - was nothing more than window dressing, meaningless time spent without him fulfilling his purpose.

An unanticipated stream of golden light appeared before Shirou, its brilliance intensifying and then dissipating to reveal a woman clad in black armor with red streaks, a visor covering the visibility of her eyes.

“I have come in response to your summons. Tell me -”   
  
She pointed her gently glowing sword at him.

“Are you the one who is to be my Master?”   
  


It was not necessarily her arrival that was unexpected, but rather, that he was the one who had called.

...When did he do that? Search his memory as he might, Shirou could not recall.

Still, who was he to turn down such a visitor? If she was there in front of him, then surely there was no mistake. 

“I am Kotomine Shirou. It appears I am indeed the one who called you here, so I will be serving as your Master.”   
  
Slightly lifting his skirt, he gave a small bow in greeting.

“Kotomine…?” 

“Yes. That is the surname given to me by Father Kirei. I do not recall the previous one.”

It took a moment for her to answer. “...Then, you are his ward?”

“That has indeed become the case. It has been so for a long time.”

“...I see.” She gave a curt nod. “You may call me Saber, for that is the name of my class.” 

“A Saber, huh? You must be quite strong then! I’ll make sure to treat you well.” 

“Good. That is -” She brought her sword up in an elegant motion. “Master, there is another Servant in this household.”

“Hm? Oh, that must be Lancer, then. He’s working with Father Kirei at the moment.”

“Kotomine is?” 

“I suppose it’d be better described as working ‘under’ rather than ‘with…’ regardless, Father Kirei indeed has a Servant, although he did not summon one. By the way you speak, I take it you are familiar with him?”

“...Not personally, but I am familiar with his... _ deeds _ .”

“I see. That makes things easier, then!”

“Pardon the potentially intrusive question, but...the smile on your face. What does it mean? It has not wavered even a bit. You are soon going to be in a war.”

Shirou’s hand brushed the side of his face. “Huh? Ah, I suppose it’s been like this for a while now. I don’t think I’ve ever been one for dynamic expressions. This is merely what I look like.”

“...A pity.” She wasn’t sure for who. She spun on her heel. “Well, then, Master, let us go. We have much to discuss.”

“Oh, I suppose we do.”

Following behind someone seemed to come almost naturally to him. 

Neither of them said anything, and it seemed neither of them knew what the other was thinking. They simply walked with a vague destination in mind. It was when Shirou was pushing open the double doors of the church’s entrance that they encountered Kirei himself, who acknowledged them with a wide smile.

“Hoh? And what might you be doing with this Servant, Shirou?”   
  
Saber took note of the way Shirou almost seemed to shrink away from the priest, despite his unchanging expression.

“Father Kirei, this is Saber. She’s the Servant I summoned.” He raised his arm, displaying the complex red pattern that had appeared on the back of his hand. “She wanted to go outside to discuss some things in a more open area.”

“So you really summoned a Servant.” Kirei’s eyes narrowed with interest. “I’m curious as to how. When did you prepare the ritual?”

“Oh, I didn’t. She just...appeared while I was wandering the grounds.”

“Are you sure that’s what happened, Shirou?” His gaze intensified, and Shirou began trembling.

“I...have no recollection of doing any such thing, so that is my conclusion.” Although he tried to keep a flat tone, there was a slight waver in his voice.

With his eyes closed, Kirei shook his head. 

“We have talked about this. It’s disappointing that you still can’t seem to keep it in mind that your memory isn’t reliable. You’re only hurting yourself at this rate.”

“Ah...you’re right.” The admittance came as naturally to Shirou as breathing. His smile seemed to grow a little. “Then, I must have forgotten setting up the ritual and imagined it strangely. I...apologize for misleading you, Father Kirei.”

“Once more, I will forgive you. Let this be yet another lesson to you.”

By the way he responded, it was clear to Saber that this type of exchange happened frequently between them. 

“...Yes, Father Kirei.” Shirou’s voice was small, and he looked towards Kirei as if expecting another reprimand.

“Are we done here?” Saber’s tone was almost impatient, as if driven by a hunger for something unseen. “My Master and I have quite a lot to discuss, and as a Master yourself, you are the enemy.” She glared at Kirei, annoyed by the interruption.

Kirei waved the two away. “You may leave, then.”

“Oh, how  _ grateful  _ I am to receive your permission.” Saber turned. “Master, let us go.”

Saber made no room for acknowledgement as she continued to walk unprompted. Shirou followed alongside her, his expression the same but still noticeably tense.

Very few people were at the harbor that day, with most of them either giving Shirou the kind of look that meant they were wondering about why he wasn’t in school or staring at Saber. 

It was Shirou who led them to a more secluded area, inviting Saber to sit down beside him. He was outside of her vision for a decent portion of that time, but their connection was such that she was able to find him regardless.

“So, Saber, what would you like to talk about?” He spoke as if they were friends meeting at a restaurant to discuss the weather or some such thing. 

“Isn’t it obvious? Master, you are prepared to fight in this Holy Grail War, are you not? Someone who cannot accept that reality is a fool I cannot fight with.”   
  
“Oh, so you don’t know? I thought this would be smoother because I sensed its influence on you, but if you really don’t know, then…”   
  
Shirou took a moment to gather his thoughts.

“What was at one point the Holy Grail is now a malicious thing, Saber. I was under the impression you were consumed by it like I was, but if that’s not the case, then…”

He let out a sigh.   
  
“What is soon to become the Holy Grail is already in our - or perhaps, it’d be more accurate to say, Father Kirei’s - possession. Its vessel should be arriving shortly as well. And, even so, the purpose of the war was never to give the victors a wish, but rather...it is to harvest souls to form a hole that will allow access to the root, and, in turn, great power. If your goal for entering was a wish, then I am sorry to say any wish you make will most likely not be granted in a way that will satisfy you.”

“If you know all that, then why did you not just hand off your Command Seals to the Holy Grail War’s overseer?”   
  
“Just because I am aware, does not mean that the other participants are. A situation like this...it aligns well with my own goals. My own... _ purpose.” _

“...You were consumed by the Grail?”

“The end of the previous war triggered a horrid fire which ravaged the place I once lived in. In truth, I did not survive the ordeal. When I died, I found myself within the thing, and I was brought again to something resembling, but not quite emulating, life. Therefore, it cannot be said that I am alive.”

“That explains it…” Saber raised her head. “And why is it that you thought I was the same as you?”

“Its essence is all over you, and yet no such thing surrounds Lancer. So, I concluded that it must have had an effect on you.”

“...Hm. I am still me, whether or not what you say is true.”

“Perhaps I just imagined it, then. I do that sort of thing quite often. I’d like to say I am still myself as well, but unfortunately, **the boy who died in that fire no longer exists.”**

Nothing had changed about his expression - he only seemed to be able to make that one smile - and yet suddenly Saber was looking into a thin line curving upwards beneath two empty pools. Shirou was smiling when there was nothing to smile about. Actually, who was ‘Shirou’?

“Is there something else you’d like to ask of me, Saber? I’ll make an attempt to answer with the most accuracy I can, since many portions of my memory are missing.”

He spoke in a soft, level voice. 

“...What do you plan to do about the other Masters and their Servants?” Saber turned her head away from the boy, deciding it wasn’t worth it to pry deeper into the past. She had heard enough.

“I merely intend to make them despair. To experience suffering, and to spread it. That is all.” The smile on Shirou’s face was that of someone being comforted.

“I see.” She nodded. So that was his goal. A sadistic, simple one, but these kinds of trivial matters were not of any real importance.

“Ah, you do? But...you’re wearing a visor.”

Silence.

“...My instincts are good.”

“Hm...is there anything else about yourself you need to tell me, Saber? It’ll be inconvenient if there’s something important I don’t know about.”

“I hunger.”

“...Well, I suppose that is important. I’ll have to make you some food, then, although I’m not sure what you’d eat. Does nutritional value matter to you at all?”

“It should not. I will retain the same physical state of health regardless of what I consume.”

He stroked his chin. “So, if we’re only considering the flavor, then…”

It would definitely be odd to feed something that usually wouldn’t need food in the first place, and on top of that, the first thought that came to his mind was definitely junk food. 

With Kirei around, cooking something like that would be troublesome, so it’d be easier to go to a vendor instead.   
  
“Then, let’s get you something to eat, Saber.”

“A shrewd decision.”

This time it was Shirou leading the way, through the shopping district and into a fast food restaurant.

He handed Saber a burger wrapped in foil.    
  
“How about you try this?”   
  
Not expecting much, Saber put it into her mouth, and - 

“!!! This is…”   
  
Almost too fast for the eye to see, she demolished the entire burger, nodding happily along the way. 

“It was delicious. Another.”   
  
Saber flashed her very first smile since her summoning, though it was closer to a smirk, one of enjoyment and gratitude. Contrasting this, Shirou’s own smile seemed to harden slightly. He handed Saber another burger, which she consumed with just as much vigor.   
  


“Let’s head back then. I think we have figured out all that we needed to now.”   
  


Saber nodded.    
  
“Indeed. As payback for the food, I shall lend you my sword.”

They began the journey back to the Church side by side, a barrier between them having been broken.

When Shirou and Saber entered the Church, the former’s eyes kept roaming around, as if wary of someone. Unable to find anyone, he was ready to end his day as usual, but Saber quickly interrupted by holding a hand in front of him.

“Shirou, there’s something strange about this area. I would usually ignore it, but because this is your living space, it is important that we look at it.”

“What exactly do you find wrong with it?”   
  
Saber wandered around the Church to inspect it, and, noticing a flight of stairs going down, motioned for Shirou to follow. The boy stayed frozen to the spot.

“Oh, Father Kirei says I’m not allowed down there.” 

Not wanting to deal with  _ that  _ at the moment, Saber reasoned. “He said nothing about me, or me bringing you along. Now come.”

They descended the stairs together, Saber’s steps confident and Shirou’s far more hesitant. The further he descended, the louder  _ something  _ became. He could not understand what it was, nor was it a literal sound, but it was almost like some sort of instinct, some sort of  _ warning.  _ An imagined ringing in his ears.

He continued to follow in spite of it.

When they finally reached the basement, Saber’s inspection was interrupted by Shirou’s entirely unexpected collapse to his knees.

He was  _ shaking.  _ His breaths became ragged, as if obstructed by something, as if a creature was tearing at the inside of his throat. Not a single word from Saber could possibly reach him. These were…

This was…

These people… These  _ children _ … 

He remembered walls of flame, the rough ground against his cheek. 

He

failed

to

save

them.

And because of that… 

They weren’t even allowed to die as simply as him. No, here they were rotting, decaying,  _ hurting - _

Their flesh had been worn away until they were left as emaciated husks no longer recognizable as ‘humans’, turning a sickly brown and barely holding together their protruding bones. They stank of rot and despair and pain and fear, curled in on themselves to block it out, even lacking the strength or willpower to cry. 

This was the kind of miserable existence where it would’ve been better to die, even if it was painful. It could’ve been him in their place, but he, even hardly as a shell, was still alive. 

Still alive. He was able to live, to… 

This… 

He…

_ I... _

It’s a constant screaming voice in my mind.

**Kill him.**

There’s no room to think about it. It’s impossible to think about it. My body moves on its own.

**Kill him.**

It’s such a simple thing to do, isn’t it? I’m meant to be stronger than him. So, it should come easily.

**Kill him.**

Calmly walking towards his location, just like I would any other day.

A kind goodnight, like I always give.

Except,

He

will

never

wake.

A darkness that does and does not exist.

It tears him apart, the sound of each limb torn like television static.

Not a single breath is taken in as any semblance of life is

completely

removed.

I had to kill him. I can’t form a reason. Maybe I’m not capable of reason right now.

What lies in front of me can hardly be called a body. 

Father Kirei - Kotomine Kirei - 

What was once the form of a person can hardly be recognized as even piles of meat. 

It smells like the basement. My vision blurs. 

I can’t...I…

I killed him.

Why…?

It’s a sense of conflict in my brain. I don’t know why I killed him, yet I had to kill him.

What did he do to me that made me want to kill him? That’s how it works, isn’t it? Someone does something bad to you, and then you kill them. 

So why…?

I don’t...understand…

I..don’t…

“Shirou…?”

Her eyes...did she remove the visor?

“You...the… _ person _ there, is…did you...do this?”

Is she talking to me? Why did I kill him? Did I do this? 

“...So that’s how it is.” Her head lowers. She’s exhaling.

Oh, that’s right. I killed him. I’m struggling to understand why. 

When she lifts her head again, her expression is...neutral, the way it was when she first saw me. 

“Master, it’s getting late. It’s best that you prepare for bed.”

She was calling me ‘Shirou’ before. Perhaps we aren’t as familiar as she once thought.

“...Okay. I just. Need a moment here, Saber. I...Please leave me be for the time being.”

There’s nothing else I can say to her, so we stare at each other for a moment. I don’t know how I look right now, but it seems to make her neutral expression waver.

Saber leaves, the sound of her footsteps fading away with time.

...I’ll deal with Lancer later. Right now, I...I have to try and think. That’s all I can do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you might be wondering, "What the hell is Shirou doing outside the kitchen?" Well, as you may recall from a kinda throwaway looking line earlier in the chapter, Kirei was there. Further explanation may or may not be given at a later time.


	4. Although beautiful, the container was empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rin receives a reminder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're pushing the canon divergence tag really hard here.

4: “Although beautiful, the container was empty”

  
  


_“Tohsaka Rin._ That is my name.”

She isn’t calm right now, but she isn’t exactly scared, either.

“What did you want to talk about?”  
  
Saber seems surprised. It’s as if she didn’t anticipate such a question at all. She quickly regains her composure in closing her eyes and frowning. She points.  
  
“No. It is _you_ who will provide the topic of conversation here.” 

Rin is incredulous. “Saber, did you seriously take me all the way out here without a plan?”  
  
“False. My plan was for you to come up with a plan.”

“...”  
  
“...”

“So, you come here often?”

“If I did, news of the commotion would have reached you. I am not your average person.” Saber sounds almost proud. “Although I have passed through here a few times, stopping in the center like this is a first. I do not remain here often, but I would like to.”

“What types of things do you like to do?”  
  
“The food here is very good. The food item known as a ‘Burger’ is my personal favorite. There is never any need for me to pay, as my presence is payment enough. Although, I am not exactly a fan of the common folk who obstruct my path. I care not for their cheers, I am only there for the food. Truly, there is nothing like it.”

Rin stares at her strangely. 

“There’s nothing like... _junk food_?” 

“It is named junk food for the negative effects it has on one’s body, right? I experience no such effects, therefore, it is not junk food.” Saber finishes her case with a little flourish.

“Well, I can’t exactly argue with a superhuman spirit of a dead hero.” 

“I am not dead, so you are free to argue with me.”

“Ahaha, I can’t, really-”

“Would you dare forfeit the battle before it has even begun?” Saber’s frown has deepened. She leans closer to Rin in an effort to appear intimidating, but she’s so beautiful it’s distracting. Is she...wearing heels?

“ _Uh-_ I-” Rin clears her throat. Her mind goes blank. She lifts her chin haughtily to save face. “Oh, I wouldn’t dare! I just wouldn’t want to destroy you with my amazing rhetoric!”

“Ha. Is that so? Then-”

Saber stops.  
  
“What did you mention about my being a Spirit? Is your eye merely particularly sharp, or are you attempting to hide something from me?”

“Ah - well…”  
  
It’s indeed difficult for Rin to come up with anything while being stared at with such intensity.

“Surely it’d be obvious to any noteworthy magus. You aren’t exactly being subtle, I was able to notice something was off with you immediately. If not a Spirit, then a ridiculously powerful and cost inefficient familiar.”

“Rather bold of you to tell me your observation directly and expect to remain alive.”

“If you didn’t think I was noteworthy, you wouldn’t have…” It dawns on Rin that there are currently no witnesses and Saber could easily kill her without anyone ever noticing something was wrong. “Well, if I may be so bold, I appear to still be alive.”

“For now.”

Rin shrugs. “Well, we all die eventually, right?”

“Oh? So you would not mind dying right now?”

“Hmmm, well, if it’s a conversation about the circumstances of my death, then I’d rather go down protecting my sister, or doing something else amazing, like the ultimate tornado kick or something.”

“Hm. A noble endeavour.” Saber nods. “Is this ‘ultimate tornado kick’ really so amazing that you’d compare it to dying while protecting your sister?”

“I wouldn’t say they’re comparable, I just think it’d be really cool. At the very least it ranks above dying from fall damage. That’d just be an insult to my skill.”

“...I would like to see it.”

“See what? The falling part or the dying part? If I may again be so bold, I don’t exactly intend on dying today.”

“You may. It appears I would not be able to stop you, anyway.” 

“...From dying? This is awful morbid for a first encounter, Saber.”

“Are you saying you cannot handle it?”  
  


**“I can.”**

Saber tips her head to the side, assessing Rin. “Your expression has changed. Not bad. It seems you might be able to back up your boldness.”

“Is that a challenge? I can and will climb to the top of this bridge and jump down unharmed.”

As she speaks, Rin is already climbing, lithe and nimble. With the focus of a cat about to pounce, Saber’s eyes follow her.

“And what makes you think such a feat will impress someone of my caliber?”

“GET UP HERE! WE’RE FALLING TOGETHER, AND I’M GOING TO CATCH YOU.” She spreads out her arms.

“...Eh?”

“OH, I’M SORRY, DID THE EVER SO POWERFUL, UNIMPRESSIBLE SABER NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID? GET. UP. HERE. NOW.”

Saber scowls. “What makes you think you can just order me around? I refuse to partake in your foolish schemes!”

“OH, DID I JUST HEAR SOMEONE ABANDONING THE BATTLE BEFORE IT HAS BEGUN-”

Saber is already standing next to Rin, her dress flowing around her like water in the burst of wind created. Her tense stance and keen gaze are that of someone who in no way plans to lose this battle of wills. 

“Nice of you to pop in.” Rin places her hands on her hips.

“You will regret challenging me.”

“Then, we’re jumping off...now!”

Each contestant jumped off at the same time. Extending her body as if there were a parachute behind her, she forcefully thrust herself onto Saber and took hold of her body, then repositioned herself so her feet were facing towards the ground once more. It had only taken a few seconds, but there was no denying the intensity of the maneuver as she landed safely on the standard area of the bridge once more, holding Saber with both her arms almost as if she were shoulder carrying a particularly large cat.

“Oof.” It was a solid landing, but Rin is still carrying an entire person.

“...Again.”

“What?”  
  
“Rin. Do it again.”

The authority with which Saber spoke could definitely be called regal, despite how it seemed childish. Rin found herself almost wanting to obey the command automatically before she shook her head of that thought. 

“Was it that fun?” 

“...I did not win, so we are doing it again. I will make an attempt to fall faster this time.”

“Ha! So you admit you lost the first round?”

“Admitting defeat means acknowledging that I lost. Although I did, I refuse to acknowledge it. We are going again.”

“That’s basically the same as admitting it! Also, why are you still holding on to my shoulder after I let you go?!” 

“It is nice up here. Do not question me.”  
  
“You really are something else…” 

Before Rin can take a moment to facepalm, the pressure in the atmosphere immediately quadruples.

It’s not a matter of a change in weather. This sort of change, there’s only one person she knows who can cause it - 

Trying to suppress her shaking, she turns her head. If it’s already this bad, then there’s no longer any point in trying to run.

“Saber! I’m glad I found you, dinner’s r-”

He hones in on Rin, and instantly it becomes far more difficult to hide her fear.

“Oh, hello, Tohsaka! Did you enjoy the blanket I gave you?”

Rin sneers. “ _Kotomin-_ ” And then she realises what he just said, blinking slowly. “What?” 

“Last night, it looked like you were cold sleeping outside without one, so I took the liberty of making a donation.”

...When?  
  
When did that happen?  
  
How did she not notice? Sakura said she didn’t give her the blanket, and there’s no way Taiga would have been able to bring one out. 

The conclusion was staring her in the face, with a wide, ever-present smile.

“ _That’s-_ ” Rin feels like she wants to throw up. “That’s- I can’t even begin to express how disgusting- You… You _stalked me_!”

As always, he is unfazed. Throw words at him like stones as she might, he’s invulnerable. “A rude accusation. I merely happened to pass by.”

“No, you know what’s _rude_ , Kotomine? Breaking into my house to give me a blanket! What’s wrong with you?!” 

“You were not inside, Tohsaka. You could have caught a cold.”

“Better to catch a cold than be given a blanket by you, _breaking into my property!_ ”

“Those are harsh words, Tohsaka. Remind me, **exactly how much better of a person are you? Do you remember what you asked of me when we first met? Do you understand the gravity of what you continue to ask of me now? You cannot erase the gravity of your sins by deflecting them onto another.”**

Rin grits her teeth, ignorant of the fact that she’s squeezing Saber. “I-I… _You…_ ” She swallows, wrestling down her fear. He’s only human. “Look, just stay away from me and my family! It’s one thing to approach me at school, but entering my property without permission is another thing entirely! What if I report you to the police?!”

...She’s completely aware of how stupid that sounds, but she has to say something, anything, because if she doesn’t -

Shirou breaks out into laughter. 

“How can you do that if you cannot even move? Truly, you amuse me, Tohsaka. I have never had any intentions of harming you or your family. But really, Tohsaka. Try to approach me. Try to move right now, and see if you can do it. Then perhaps you’ll understand the emptiness of your words.”  
  
“Sh-Shut up! You’re just trying to mess with my head!” Rin thinks back to the mantras she’s repeated to herself over and over. “If...if I let you convince me I’m powerless, then I am! That’s all there is to it!” 

Shirou steps forwards and makes a ‘shh’ motion. “Actions speak louder. Walk, Tohsaka.”

Rin can’t. Her legs might as well be replaced by a rock.

“...Leave me alone, Kotomine.”

He holds her face gently in one of his hands. She can’t even bring herself to slap him away. Her arms simply won’t listen.  
  
“Then you understand. Please take care of yourself, Tohsaka. It’s not healthy for someone to work as hard as you do.”

“Leave me alone…”

Seeming amused by her response, he lingers. “So you understand, don’t you? You cannot do anything. So don’t pretend like you can, okay? It’ll only make things worse when you return to reality.”

He lifts his hand, and Rin is able to move again. Immediately, she realizes she wasn’t breathing for a while, either. She didn’t move even a bit, but her breaths are ragged and heavy.

“Continue to keep her safe, Tohsaka. **You understand what that means, don’t you?** I’ll deal with the rest, so you don’t need to worry. Goodnight, Tohsaka. 

And, Saber, please climb down from her. It’ll be a bit difficult for you to get home like that.”

Saber looks in between the pair each time one is speaking, like she’s following a tennis match. Rin’s gaze is glued to the floor as she drops the Servant.

“ _Just-_ Don’t talk to me about her and uphold your end of the bargain. And I better not catch you near my house ever again. Even my own guilt won’t stop me, then.” 

“You call it a bargain like you’re offering something in return…” He trails off.

Shirou’s eyes narrow at her in a show of what vaguely resembles amusement (It’s always difficult to tell with him), but he makes no effort to continue speaking. He seems to have said all that he needed to, so he walks away.

Saber looks behind her for a moment, but ultimately decides to go where the food is.

Rin is left alone. 

In the end, she knows: She can try to act confident and bold, for Sakura’s protection and to match wits with Saber, but in the end… 

It’s not enough. She’s not enough. She has to be better, stronger. 

...Will she ever be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: This chapter was written between the lovely times of 1 and 2:40 A.M! 
> 
> Also minor update we added a platonic tag, and once again, the tag in question did not exist and I had to make it myself :') - Orchid


	5. There were still stars in his eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reflection.

Rin hasn’t slept in thirteen hours. 

Over and over again. Without stopping even once.

All she can think of

is how she _couldn’t do anything._

Before Kotomine Shirou, she is utterly powerless. And he just so happens to be one of her most threatening problems, along with unfortunately being one of her most frequent visitors. 

There’s no way around it, really. In a way, she brought this upon herself.

[ **“Do you remember what you asked of me when we first met? Do you understand the gravity of what you continue to ask of me now?”** ]

Of course she does. 

Of course she knows, because she can never forget what she did to - 

_“Nee-san!_ Did you go off to your own separate plane of existence again? It’s time to come back, okay?”

Rin nearly drops the knife she’s holding. Oh, that’s right- she’s in the kitchen, she’s cooking, and dropping a knife like an idiot is dangerous. Putting on a confident smile she doesn’t feel, she turns to her sister. 

“Oh, Sakura-” 

[ **“** Remind me, **exactly how much better of a person are you?”** ]

The smile melts away.

“I… Sorry, I’m just...tired. Did you need something?”

Sakura’s face changes to one of concern. “No, but...is something bothering you?”

“...” Rin returns her attention to the food. “Hm? No, not at all. What kind of big sister would I be if I let myself be bothered so early? I’m fine, you can go back and wait until the food’s ready.”

Oddly enough, Sakura’s expression falters a bit into something unreadable. She doesn’t seem very reassured, but there isn’t much Rin can do about that.

“...Are you sure you don’t need any help?”

Sakura looks up at Rin, as if timidly expecting something from her.

Rin smiles, and ruffles Sakura’s hair. “Yup, absolutely. Leave it to me!”

Sakura seems properly reassured, smiling calmly.

For a moment, Rin doesn’t quite see her sister, and instead, she is reminded once more of the alarming and empty smile she received the previous night, like an infinite void that threatened to swallow her.

She does the best she can to suppress any change in her expression before Sakura leaves. 

It takes several moments before she can move to pick up the knife again. 

* * *

After another long, tiring day at school, Rin decides she wants to go on a walk to clear her head. He didn’t show up again, but instead of providing at least a vague semblance of reassurance, it only gave her a greater sense of dread. What if he was watching her right now? She’d always known he was...beyond comprehension, but if he’s capable of actually breaking into her house (which already had a pre-established boundary field specifically to warn for intruders), it’s no longer just a matter of living her daily life while fearing him, but living her daily life while ignoring an active threat. 

...But at the same time.

What’s she meant to do against him?

As much as she cares for Sakura and Taiga, she can’t ponder things like this while in the house, especially not when whatever vendetta Kotomine Shirou has against her might get them caught in the crossfire. She makes sure she has an adequate amount of knives, then makes her way over to the entrance hall. 

“Nee-san, where are you going?”

“I’m going for a walk. I need to gather my thoughts.”

“Where? Can I come with you?”

“I don’t really have a destination in mind. I might wander somewhere dangerous, so it’s best that you stay here.”

“Ah… But I… I understand.”

“We can cook dinner together later, if you want, so don’t worry about it!”

“Oh, okay! I promise not to make it too heavy this time!” 

Fuyuki seems unusually quiet that evening. Very few people are outside, presumably because they’re so tired they just want to stay indoors. 

...No, that can’t be right. Because, if Rin has learned anything from last night - 

There’s nothing here. She tries to convince herself that it’s only paranoia, but she doesn’t feel _right._ Something’s off. Maybe it’s the energy in the air, maybe it’s the way the entire city seems to be holding its breath. It’s not the same off feeling as before, but it’s also not helping her organize her thoughts at all.

Is it just her, or is the ground shaking a bit?

...It’s not just her. It’s time to start running.

Exactly where she was standing before is now a gaping hole. What...just happened?

No time to think about that. It’s time to keep running. Rin turns on her heel and sprints down the street, only just now realising she’s in a deserted area and could easily be murdered. 

That’s fine. She’s fine. All she has to do is _RUN FASTER._

Her lungs feel like they’re burning up, and the ground is only shaking more and more and more. Whatever is behind her is massive, rapidly approaching, and likely aims to kill her.

Rin can never catch a break, can she? Every time she just wants to have a _nice day_ it always has to end up like this. 

_Of course_ she hits a dead end. Her only option now is to look at what exactly’s been chasing her, and -

It can only be described as a monster. Massive, hulking, towering over her. Its teeth are bared like a wild animal’s.

No, maybe that’s not where her attention should be. Looking further up, there’s a small person casually sitting on one shoulder.

It’s a little girl, quite an adorable one at that. Her pure white hair flows in the wind as her piercing red eyes narrow. She bows her head.

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Rin. I’ve been waiting for quite some time now.”

Her words are polite, but her tone is a bit hostile.

Cautiously, Rin assumes a defensive position.

“W-”  
  
Before either of them can say another word, a fourth individual drops down from the sky.

Not knowing what to do, all parties watch as the mysterious orb of light reminiscent of a shooting star plummets into the ground, throwing dirt and rubble everywhere.

They jump back as the clouds of dust clear, revealing not only a big mess, but a bored-looking man lounging on top of it.

“...”

It seems that no one had any reactions prepared for this situation, so they all just stare at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there goes our first backlog! Either we'll be taking a gap week or so to restock chapters or we'll somehow find time on top of all our work to grind more in time for next week. Thank you all very much for your interest in a story there's pretty much 0 demand for (Seriously, where did you all come from? How did you even find this AU?), we appreciate it <3

**Author's Note:**

> ;)


End file.
